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need some advice

Broken Lizard
edited July 2007 in General
my girlfriends self-esteem isn't exactly high, says shes fat and ugly, which she isn't and it gets on my nerves. I always tell her how beautiful she is, how much she turns me on, amazing smile, etc etc, but she just shrugs it off and says "i dont think so"

the hell do i do, its annoying as hell!

Comments

  • vik_lane
    edited July 2007
    If she's in a really negative place right now, unfortunately you're doing everything you can.

    One way that usually works when my friends say the same to me is to shoot back with, "What exactly is it that you don't like?"

    When they come back with a response - and I mean, like, a specific one. (ie. "My poors are so huge! My nose is so flat!") find a reason that you think it's cute.

    I mean, you wouldn't be with this girl if you honestly felt she was fat and ugly. Somewhere deep-down she has to know that, but it's so hard to get out of a self-esteem spiral. If her Mom really picked on her about her weight (my step-sister and brother have that from their mom) then it's something really deeply engrained that's going to be hard to shoot down.
  • Broken Lizard
    edited July 2007
    k so this is really starting to piss me off, she got mad at me saying i was making fun of her, saying everything sarcastically which i wasnt.
    she pretty much said :
    no one can change the way i feel about myself
    if you cant accept that, im sorry nothing i can do
    we've been dating for almost 6 months and this just started to really happen about a month ago... you could sense it before that, but now its worse
  • Kevin M.Kevin M.
    edited July 2007
    A lot of girls are like that...they don't always say it out loud but on the inside they are very self-conscious. Even girls that you see walking around the beach with a golden tan and perfect curves are actually pretty insecure underneath it all...i guess its because of the pressures society places on (especially) girls. Everywhere you look you see beautiful women like eva longoria and kim kardashian (HOT) so I guess psychologically girls don't think they are good enough. It's really stupid my ex gf used to do that all the time too I'd end up getting frustrated and yelling at her...exact same situation as you. I think the more you baby em and tell em their good looking, the more insecure they become. Come to think of it, maybe you should stop saying she's good looking...seriously, don't talk about looks or appearances at all and tell her to learn to be happy with who she is end of story
  • siuying
    edited July 2007
    hmm.. now that you mentioned it only started a month ago.. do you rmb what triggered it? any symptoms or signs? like.. did she gain weight? look into what's causing all this.. there should be a reason why she's going ballistic all of the sudden.. =\ don't get pissed.. patience is the key..=)

    i wholesomely agree with what kevin said.. i find it hard to be a girl sometimes.. especially back in high school when puberty started.. i remember i had to look into the mirror every morning and tell myself i'm beautiful because the first thought that comes to mind when seeing my reflection was i was just hideous.. that habit sort of helped me filter out some nasty comments and pretty soon i just didn't care because everyone said the exact same thing.. i figured if ppl don't like my looks or body they can look elsewhere.. i'm not here to impress.. i'm just here to live my life..

    i have an incurable sweet tooth and i adore desserts.. so it's not that hard for me to pack on pounds and it's really obvious since i'm on the curvy side.. but that's not going to stop me from doing what i like.. what i'm trying to say is that your gf needs to accept who she is.. i know i'm never going to be like a victoria secret's model or a scarlett johannson because that's not me.. she needs to understand that there's more to a girl and looks and weight.. and those inner attributes are what most males appreciate..
  • Broken Lizard
    edited July 2007
    so if she says shes fat and ugly and says thats just who she is, I sit there and twiddle my thumbs? haha
  • siuying
    edited July 2007
    no.. i'm saying that she should learn to appreciate her features.. as you said.. she's beautiful and has an amazing smile.. she should give herself credit for that.. twiddling your thumbs isn't what i had in mind.. but if that's what you need to do to help her realize that.. then so be it.. =)
  • imelting
    edited July 2007
    siuying;14448 said:
    hmm.. now that you mentioned it only started a month ago.. do you rmb what triggered it? any symptoms or signs? like.. did she gain weight? look into what's causing all this.. there should be a reason why she's going ballistic all of the sudden.. =\ don't get pissed.. patience is the key..=).
    i disagree.. sounds more like she is gettin comfortable with him.. around 6 mo mark.. and she is just sharing one of her insecurities.. i doubt somethin would hav triggered it, just a comfort level thing im guessin
  • Broken Lizard
    edited July 2007
    kinda seems like she wants me to break up with her sometimes
    she says things like "you can find someone better than me" or when i give her a compliment "no, you just have really bad taste"

    how the hell do you be patient with that, lol
  • baby e
    edited July 2007
    omg lol! Did you ever think that maybe shes just going through a hard phase in her life right now? Summer can trigger girls to think that they are fat because they see other girls in shorts and mini skirts.

    I must admit, the last two weeks ive felt kinda fat....cuz its been hot out and i hate the way my legs look. Ive said it about three times to my bf and hes always been like, "shut up, you're NOT fat", and then i realise that im not. Just be supportive of her....tell her straight out, if you want, that you think shes beautiful and that she needs to see it for herself. Do something like that. Im sure shes going through a weird phase at the moment and you just have to be supportive.

    But hey, if you cant take it, then leave. Thats pretty sad if you ask me if you break up with her just cuz shes feeling bad about herself at the moment. If you cant handle something as minor as that, then you should just break up with her cuz heaven forbid you're with her when something MAJOR happens.
  • Broken Lizard
    edited July 2007
    alright, its settled, i break up with her! haha
    by growing impatient i didn't mean break up, jesus
  • Kevin M.Kevin M.
    edited July 2007
    Actually my ex girlfriend started doing that kind of stuff when she wanted to break up with me...not consciously of course, but I should have trusted my gut at the time rather than let it drag out for so long. But still, I wouldn't just break up with her over something like that but maybe give each other a little space. I find that so many relationships deteriorate simply due to the fact that they become too into each other, so their perception of themselves is intrinsically tied to the other person...and as you start to lose your sense of individuality, stupid fights and problems start to arise.
  • vik_lane
    edited July 2007
    One thing is... and this is anonymous, so you can answer truthfully - in an ideal magazine world, could she stand to lose a few pounds? Like, even if you don't mind, or you happen to prefer it, by supposed "today's standards", would she be considered chubby?
  • Malakaiii
    edited July 2007
    Oh jeez... it really doesn't matter if she is "chubby". What's important is that he thinks she's attractive and fantastic, or he wouldn't be with her!

    My take is that she's trying to reveal a part of herself to you. Everyone has self-esteem problems; we'd all like to be a little more of something, and a little less of something else... we just want the person we are with to appreciate us for what we are. She wants you to see that she's NOT perfect. By insisting that she is beautiful or slim (even if she is), you are disagreeing with her and she will feel pressured to BE beautiful and slim, etc (by her standards, which are definitely higher than yours). The best thing you can say to her is that YOU see her as beautiful. If she argues, tell her calmly that you are entitled to your opinion. Remember to tell her that she's beautiful when she's wearing a stained shirt, or without makeup... not just when she's all fancied up to go out.

    She wants you to know that she's not perfect, and I think doubting her looks is a lot more delicate than farting all the time... :wink: She's seeing if you'll stick around even though she's not flawless.

    Naturally I could be wrong, but I'm speaking as someone with depression who has been in a 5 year relationship. I know how shitty things can get, and I've found out what works and what doesn't...
  • Kevin M.Kevin M.
    edited July 2007
    I think we need to bring the subject in for closer examination
  • vik_lane
    edited July 2007
    No, no - the only thing I meant by the chubby question is because if a girl really does have a "vice", then it does sound like BS if you say, "No, honey - you're really thin!" If she isn't, there's no point in bullshitting her. Say, "Men love curves, not skeletons" - turn the negative into a positive rather than whitewashing. That's all I meant.
  • Broken Lizard
    edited July 2007
    shes not skinny, but she says shes super fat when she isnt. i dont say "your as thin as Kate moss" im just sayin shes not super fat. shes like me, im not fat but not definately not skinny, she says im skinny when we're pretty much the same.
    usually it goes like this
    "im so fat" "no your not" "yes i am" "well if your fat then im fat" "your not fat" "well then either are you" or something like that... lol
  • Smiles
    edited July 2007
    Triple;14428 said:

    she pretty much said :
    no one can change the way i feel about myself
    if you cant accept that, im sorry nothing i can do
    In a way, your g/f is right. No one can make her change the way she feels about herself. Everyone has self-doubts here and there, however, I find that people who need constant reassurance need to re-evaluate why they feel so shitty about themselves and do something about it. And that is something that only she can do, however, you can provide her with support. I guess you probably know that you can say all these wonderful things to your g/f, but yet she still doubts it. It's been in my experience that the more you try to re-assure someone of their self-doubts, the more they depend on you to feel better about themselves. However, it kind of cripples them, because they become too dependent to the point where they "need" to have that external reassurance all the time. It’s very difficult to say what to do. I would definitely support her, tell her she is beautiful, but at the same time you don’t want to tell her too often to the point she becomes dependent on you. I don’t know if this is much help.
    Triple;14459 said:
    kinda seems like she wants me to break up with her sometimes she says things like "you can find someone better than me" or when i give her a compliment "no, you just have really bad taste"
    I think you have to go with your gut instinct with this. Be patient, however if she continues to make these kinds of comments or tries to break it off in a different way, I would say “Do you want to break up with me? Because I’m not going to do it for you”. See how she responds & take it from there. Sometimes if a girl does not want to be the one to break things off, she will start to make these kinds of hints. However, again you have to go with your gut instinct, because I couldn’t tell you if she has very low self-esteem or wants to break up.
  • baby e
    edited July 2007
    Triple;14459 said:
    kinda seems like she wants me to break up with her sometimes
    Thats just such a weird thing to say. If she wanted you two to break up, she would just break up with you. Thats why i said what i said, because i highly doubt that anyone WANTS someone to break up with them. I could be wrong, but it just seems so weird.

    Honestly, just tell her how you feel, but be nice about it. Shes obviously sensitive about how she looks, as most girls are, so dont be mean or anything. Maybe try working out together and make her feel good about her body.
  • vik_lane
    edited July 2007
    She may be trying to push you away to see if you'll stay. Reverse psychology - if she makes you feel like she wants to break up, you'll cling on harder or something.

    For the most part, she wants to be reassured. Obviously she thinks you're "too good for her", so I very much doubt that this is about you or her not wanting to be with you.

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